Posted in Personal Posts

The Other Side of Fear (part 1 probably)

Here I go again at nearly 3 am writing. I haven’t been able to write in months and now my creative juices have return. MY have I missed them. But not as much as I have missed other things. Mountains to hike on; cafes you can walk to; clean streams to swim in; my friends who live far away; college life; etc. 

Yes you heard right; I miss college. Beyond the friends I made, the choir, the scholarship money, and fun, I miss it. I miss going to class; I miss having a purpose for every single day. I miss being able to figure out who are the best teachers at your program; I miss that learning environment. I’m turning 24 this year. This means for the first time I will be able to get money from the government as my parents won’t have to be on my FASFA. This is probably the best news ever for a college student.  For the first time in 3 years I’m thinking about going back to school without anyone forcing it down my throat.

See I’ve always loved learning; I wanted to be a teacher when I was a kid and I actually became one for a while up until 2 months ago. Once college started I realized how much I liked school. I enjoyed going to class every day for Choir and almost every day for other subjects. Math was fun and so was learning history; even if I fell asleep at the 8 am classes. Best of all I was good at school. I got honors for my associate of arts degree! There were 2 main reasons I didn’t continue immediately.

  1. I wasn’t ready to continue due to mental health reasons that wouldn’t be resolved until last year.
  2. Money

Aside from those two there was the whole “not knowing what I wanted to do with my life”. As well as struggling with the fact that I had still lost my piano scholarship. Also my relationship with my parents was strained to the point I couldn’t see how bad it was until I got out. I felt stuck and so lost; I wanted to run away. But at the same time; I also wanted to find interests in different things. I wanted to explore the world and be with a bunch of different people. The idea of traveling everywhere while learning has always enticed me.

I also understood from a young age that a degree doesn’t get you anywhere without experiences. My mother taught both my brother and I to always give back to the community in any way we could. Mainly thought volunteer work all through high school. Which is why during high school I interned/volunteered at a museum, tutored and taught piano. After college I interned for my sister’s marketing firm which lead to a job in my brother-in-law’s company. My sister’s archaeology past brought me to volunteer and the Division of Archaeology in Louisiana. Something was missing though; I still didn’t get to experience all of what I wanted.

There are many things this could be; it could be studying in college and traveling the world through an organization. It could be working abroad using some sort of certification. Or staying in a place for a few months; working a ton and then high-tailing it to the next place. Or staying in one place and working hard at something for a year than trying to doing something meaningful.

So in order to finally get some sleep tonight I’ve compiled a bunch of ideas that have been stirring in my head. Enjoy! *Note: please read through the end if you are reading this; I have an important announcement at the end*

  • College would be fun; but I still have no idea what I would study.
    • I love music; but I can be a teacher without a degree especially now that I have the experience under my belt.
    • Archaeology would be fun but rather pointless unless I get a doctorates and teach; and then I would be tied down.
    • Quite frankly getting any other degree unless I need to work in an conventional job is pointless right now. Unless I find something to study that I’m passionate about.
  • Certifications would be an easier way for me to find a living.
    • Reiki would be wonderful for personal use but that would really be all I would use it for. I don’t foresee myself doing it on other people unless I become a Reiki Master. Still think I will get the certification at some point but maybe not now.
    • Life Coaching sound fantastic! But if I don’t know what I’m doing how can I really help others? I know you learned to know what you’re doing through the training. And I’m good at giving advice to certain types of people. I don’t know; maybe this is in a possibility pile.
    • Child Development. This would be enriching but this would boil down to the same reason why I quit my teaching job. My partner and I want to travel and I couldn’t if i was working at a daycare center. I would be fun for when we settle down somewhere though.
    • Travel Agent. Pro: Free trips if you make a lot of sales; great profit if you work to the bone. Con: SOOO MUCH TIME TO BUILD IT UP
  • Getting a part time (or 2 part time) job(s)
    • Retail Jobs are actually fun. With all the experience I have I could get up to assistant manager or something in no time. Upside: WAY more cash to flow between savings and traveling. Downsides: no time for anything else during; but that isn’t terrible for me as it for my relationships with friends and family. Compilation: No vehicle to take me to said job right now.
    • I could work from home doing editorial help or attempting to write for people about stuff. And this is actually something I’m trying to do right now. I’m struggling writing things that is relevant for the boards. This might be something I need to focus on a bit more.
    • Jewelry business: I could ramp up production. However, the reality is to make money in a business you need money in the first place. And I don’t want to waste someone else’s money on something that I’m not sure I can produce a profit on.  Nevertheless, I will work on this for a small scale for now.
    • Marketing? I honestly have no clue how I would use this skill unless I write for companies or market my own stuff. It’s a great skill; but where I’m at right now I’m not sure what to do with it.
    • Tutoring is fun if you get the right type of clients and it is something I could do online. The main downsides are a vehicle if I need to travel around and making sure I get the right clients. Also, what can I tutor in? The time I tutored in English he didn’t get the score on his test he wanted. So a lot good I did…lol

So I’m not sure how to conclude this article aside from saying I don’t want any advice. Not because I need to do this one my own; because I don’t. It’s because I already have a million things floating through my head as we speak. The last thing I wish is the have more ideas shoved down my throat again. That’s part of why I had mental health issues before. If I need advice I will come to the people I know will help me when I need it in my due time.

Sometimes we all need a little struggle in our lives; and sometimes we need to be a little risky. I was watching a Will Smith interview about the time he jumped out of an airplane with some of his friends. The entire night before and up until right before he jumped he was scared out of his mind. He couldn’t sleep. Then; once he was pushed out of the airplane; he felt blissful; he realized he spent the entire day on edge for nothing. He was safe and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He ended the video by saying this “The best things in life are on the other side of terror, on the other side of your maximum fear, are all of the best things in life.”

Here’s to finding out what is on the other side of my maximum fear, whatever that may be.

Much love and always wishing the world the best,



PS: Here’s to hoping I can get some sleep now that this is out there. Much love and Many Blessings to you all ❤

Posted in Uncategorized

On The Other Side Of Fear (Part 2): Reluctance and Resistance

“Never doubt that a small group of people can change the world.” I’ve always believed this; regardless of what anyone else has told me and what I have seen. The how has always been what has confused me. There are countless ways to make the world a better place; it is a matter of choice. What side of history will you be on? What will your family and friends say about you in the end?

Potentially I may think about death more than most people; as every once in a while it keeps me up at night with how terrifying it sounds. I’ve always been one to think about legacy; not really sure why though as that wasn’t something I was taught. Nevertheless; making a change is something that I always want to be doing. Whether that’s helping someone do something they love; teaching someone they are more capable then they realize; or managing a part of the organization I believe in.

Its true what so many people say; you only realize when you’re older how your parents are right. I am no exception. My mom always told me I could accomplish whatever I wanted to; but I had to pick one thing at a time. When I was younger I didn’t understand why I had to choose. I didn’t realize a person could only handle so much; rather that I could only handle so much. Pride does cometh before the fall. I think that is part of why I had to live in Louisiana. I needed to learn and work and then collapse out of exhaustion. That lesson was one of the most valuable above anything else I learned there.  A lesson I am still reluctantly accepting while resisting. Today I will put that resisting aside.

My main question now is “what am I willing to do to get to where I want?”. Right now; I am willing to fight. Part of the reason for my fear is the way the internet is being limited. Since 2013 the internet has been under attack in the USA from ISPs wanting to create fast lanes. This means ISPs can charge companies more for their websites and consumers for specific websites. The FCC was supporting them in the cause; and so was President Obama. It wasn’t until 2015 President Obama saw the error of what he was supporting. He help create the basis of Net Neutrality; making the internet a title 2 (aka and utility like AC or gas). Since then however; ISPs have been lobbying harder than ever. This year has been among the worst; FCC Chairman Ajit Pai (a former Verizon Lawyer) is trying to move the Internet from a title 2 to title 1 (an information service like public education).

About 10 years ago; I would have agreed with Chairman Pai. However the way we used the internet is incredibly different now than it was back then. Before it was only used for communication and information. Now people use it for not only communication and information; they use it for their livelihoods; their education. From Job applications to Marketing to course work for public education and beyond to learning about global news on a much larger scale; the internet provides more than information now. It is a necessity for thousands upon thousands of individuals.

If we are not willing to stand up for our freedom of the press and freedom of the internet; the next generation will suffer the consequences of our actions. We can contact congress and let them know we do not stand for this. And if they choose to let it slide; we will not support them in next year’s election cycle. We can spread the word; from Facebook to Instagram to Snapchat to YouTube.

We have a obligation to the next generation to not make the same mistakes we’ve made in the past. It doesn’t matter how much the generation before us suffered or how much we suffered. If we do not rise up now; our children and our children’s children will not no freedom if we let this happen.


PS: I’m sorry if you think there is a bad attitude of this article; I am pissed that my niece and nephew are going to deal with this if we don’t stop it. I want them to experience the positive things about the internet; not have to pay for f**ing Snapchat to send something to their friends.

Posted in Motivation, Personal Posts

What Do You Want From Today

On January 1st of this year I got notice that one of my dear friends from Sweet Adalines might be passing away soon. I sent her a quick note telling her how much she means to me and how her memory will live on in me. What do you want from today?

On January 3rd, we brought the car into the shop to fix the overdrive switch. Went to work feeling flustered and completely miss a memo and part of the lesson. What do you want from today?

On January 4th, I found out my father was in the hospital for a lot of bleeding and that he might need a blood transfusion. I had no clue how grave or how procedural this was going to be, and I’m not sure if my mother did either. What do you want from today?

On January 5th, my father had 2 procedures that went well and was released from the hospital. And, on January 5th, my friend peacefully passed away. What do you want from today?

On January 6th, I learned that we would need to keep the car in the shop for another week and a half because they need to rebuild the transmission. Because of this, the trip to see some of my friends needed to be postponed. What do you want from today?

On January 7th, one of my dear friends from Sweet Adalines got married to the love of her life. I wish them every happiness and I am sure they will get it. What do you want from today?

This week has been an influx of bad news; from friends losing jobs, to people losing loved ones, to people frightened for their lives; and all in the first week of the new year. At the start of the new year, all people want is to feel good, to feel like they are worth something; and this week most of that has shattered.

When you’re feeling bad, thinking even a couple of days ahead may feel unattainable, especially when you are depressed. This year we are at the precipice of sure destruction of the current statues quote, and already it is beginning to shatter. We don’t need to be considering the next 6 months of our existence, we need to be focusing more than ever on the present moment.

Because of this, I’ve decided to make it a habit of asking myself and my partner every single day, “What Do You Want from Today?” It doesn’t sound like much, but taking every morning to address what we both want from the day really helps us focus on what we would like every day rather than rushing to “live” for tomorrow or a week or a year from now. We might not accomplish everything we set out to do, but having been in alignment with what we both want gives us the drive to do more of what we want and less of what we don’t.

With all that being said, I will ask you all the question:

What To You Want From Today?

Posted in Being Yourself

The Business of “Finding Yourself”

BE yourselfHow many times have you heard the following?

  • I am having a quarter-life crisis
  • I am graduating and have no clue what to do with my life
  • Should I go to college?
  • What should I study in college?
  • I need to find myself

What is this “Finding Yourself” idealism so many keeps talking about? How does it manifest itself in the millennial generation? Is there a way of finding yourself? Is there a way to capitalize on the market of finding yourself? If so, why has no one capitalized on it? Or how many people have capitalized on it?

These questions are not anything new, they have been questioned by most age groups at this point particularly against 20-somethings. Countless articles from the Huffington Post, WikiHow, LifeHack and countless other websites have written on this subject. Many will tell you the idea of finding yourself is bogus, and others will give you the keys to “succeeding” in finding what you are truly meant to do. Not to mention, an endless supply of self-help books by motivational speakers like Tony Robbins and psychologists like Dr. M. Scott Peck designed to inspire people to follow their heart. But what does this mean in the long run of life? Are following these ideals to naiveté or do they hold water?

It is my belief that life is not about finding yourself; it is in fact it is the journey of already being yourself. You know who are, and always have. If you are feeling at a loss, it is because you, like most people on this planet, have chosen blindness over the true nature of humanity. We live lives of 9-5s (aka. 45+hour work weeks) and then question why we are unhappy. This is not to say all people do not like this lifestyle; but it is not for everyone. Gary Vaynerchuk, posted an amazing video in May, 2016 regarding college graduates of 2016. In it he discussed how terrified he was for the youth going into the workforce today. He states with great fervency just how important as someone who has no baggage, many 20-somethings can afford to align themselves with the goals they want to accomplish before tying themselves down to a 40+house a week office job for the rest of their lives. They have time to be who they want to be, by busting their tail off at a start-up/band/anything else they want to be successful in.

For someone like me, this fills my heart with both glee and sorrow. I have been awarded an opportunity to be who I am and I have taken it for granted for most of my existence. What finally hit me over the head what the notion of “finding myself”. As a researcher, it is a strong habit of mine that once I find an interest and learn all I can about it. Upon reading countless articles for and against the notion of finding yourself, I’ve discovered the key of living is not about finding yourself; as there is more than one step towards being a success for yourself. What is best is to find themes in your life to work on and focus on those throughout your time here on earth. Here are some steps that have been helping me along my journey.

Re-discovering your Theme(s)

The first step toward following your themes in life is in fact remembering rather than finding what you are passionate for. Look back to your childhood and think to what made you happy; i.e. dancing, playing a sport, music, art, science class, etc. This was and still may be your passion, what drives you to be successful in the way YOU want to be successful. This process can take anywhere from a day to a year or more to rediscover your themes. This can be done through visualizing your past self through memories or meditation focusing on your past. If you have a good relationship with old friends and family members you can also ask them what you were like back then to get some insight as well. Disclaimer on this, they will subject their own options of you within these conversations, so take the information with a grain of salt.

Understanding Criticism

Embrace “the haters”! We tend to think of people who bring us down as the enemy; but those people are simply the reflection of what and where you do not wish to be. They are fearful of you being successful and hence destroying their mentality of the world we currently inhabit. Their ideals may also bring forth your own doubts and concerns; and this is perfectly valid to feel discouraged. Success lies in pushing towards what you want regardless of fear of what others may say. Psychologist, counselor, and infinite being; Ralph Smart has an excellent video discussing how to stop caring about what other people think.

Working Hard

Thirdly, you must “hustle”. People like Gary Vaynerchuk, Jon Acoff, Seth Godin, and others will tell you just how important “the hustle” really is into success in business and life; and they have a point. In order to follow who you are and the themes you want in your life, it is crucial to push through regardless of what others will say. If you want to start your own business, begin a different career, take a break to travel, etc.; these options area all available to you. What is need to accomplish them is what is the tricky part. This could take a month; it could take 10 years to create a company or career path that is what you want; you have to be willing to put forth the hours and extra in order to be successful in what your theme is (or themes are). Trying is the first step towards a successful life; it is important to remember that failing comes when you never try.


Fourth and perhaps the most crucial; you must love yourself in order for your themes to be a success in your eyes. There is no real need to “find” yourself because who you are is locked within you. Unlike popular belief, you are not required to do what your parents, extended family, friends or society tells you to do. If you have an idea of what you would like to do and are not at least looking into it; you have already failed. There is no point in finding yourself if you are not willing to take action through self-love to follow your life purpose.

Posted in Personal Posts

I Quit My Job, Now What?

For those of you who do not know, I recently quit my job as a marketing coordinator and moved back to Florida with a little under $300 in my bank account. I’ll be the first to admit, this may not have been the most ideal situation, however it is already done and I am excited to move forward. Well, I was until I realized I didn’t have a plan once I arrived here, and this is where you all come in.

This blog will be documenting my journey into wherever my life leads at this point. Not sure what schedule I will have but it is a necessity for me to write at this moment in my life. I’m currently applying for a couple of jobs for online positions and one that I am extremely excited about that will take me across the USA for 16 weeks. I’m currently living in my partner’s house with his grandmother and her boyfriend. This house has been wonderful for the last couple of weeks, my partner made sure that I had time to wind down after working and school nonstop for years on end. I had no clue how exhausted I actually was until a little over a week ago actually.

We went to Tallahassee to meet up with a friend of ours and see their musical last night. The entire day was quite the adventure, as we had been talking most of the night the night before. We woke up and quickly left the house with no phone charger or snacks which is very unlike me, I drove for two and a half hours then we met up with our friend for lunch. We were planning on telling her we are dating, but somehow got distracted and figured it wasn’t the right time. Then we got to explore the Tallahassee Automobile Museum, and I began to realize how exhausted I was almost collapsing onto the museum floor. We went to eat dinner and started to feel better, then we headed to what we thought was the location of the play and waited for a bit. The storm outside began to rage on when someone who was also going to the play noticed we were at the wrong location. We decided we would walk in the storm since it was only 5 blocks away.

I don’t think it ever took us that long to walk anywhere honestly; we were soaking wet with an umbrella that was slightly broken walking along FSU. We debated not even going, but we finally made it to the location. The musical was excellent, a tail two Jewish children escaping from Nazi’s ending up in what they think is Paris, France. As we were still exhausted, we decided to head home before saying goodbye to our friend.

On the way home, I became overwhelmingly exhausted and had to stop at a rest stop; well two rest stop. I ended up sleeping until the morning in the car with a dead phone and a car that isn’t mine. Needless to say, it was a weird evening. Furthermore I realized that while I need time off, I need to develop a routine so I am not so exhausted all the time. So here is to actually developing some semblance of life structure.

Be Someone That Makes You Happy